Walking Kaleidoscope

My first ever Women's only trip - and I know one thing for sure - best things come, unplanned for. Again an experience which did not figure in the wish list for 30 odd years of life, happened, and wow- my life will never be the same again. Went to South Africa and Zambia with 24 other fellow women from different walks of life. The place itself deserves an exclusive post, but for the time being..let me focus on the smaller nuances. It all started amidst a life that was moving towards boredom very fast and was asking too many uncomfortable questions. Just then, I fumbled upon an FB page and somehow, that page stayed with me for a long time. I thought about it for good 2 months before finally paying for it. As they say, things fell in place and I was destined to be a part of this experience. I was scared - this was my first experience with the unknown after 7 years. It almost felt like the first day at B-school or the first day when my school became co-ed. Seeing all of them at th

The thing about happiness is that it makes you take yourself easy. Something so simple, which most normal human beings, take deep pride in complicating. Fretting over everything, confused about the options, trying to decide the path of your life, figuring out the moment you will die - We find some deep pleasure in doing all of this. I do too. I have even gone to the extent of planning my death speech and checking from the abyss how people would respond to my death. Better still, I have even felt sad about the fact that a particular person xyz will not cry over my dead body! All at the expense of the moment, which was waiting for me to be made my own. There are very few moments, like now, when I feel that the moment that I am in now, is all that I will ever have. It feels good. It feels good to feel your body, hear your heartbeats, submit to the stillness.It feels good to have a hearty meal (now yes, I did fret over planning the meal), jog in the park, feel the rains, just let yoursel

बन्दे ने बोला खुदा से:  तूफ़ान से कश्ती मोड़ के, हम लायें हैं तेरे पास, ऐ खुदा! अब तो बता दे, हम आम हैं या ख़ास। यूँ आम लोगों की ज़िन्दगी हमको गवारा नहीं, रोज ख़ुद को पीसना, कोई सहारा नहीं। रोज ज़िन्दगी के साथ, एक नई लड़ाई लड़ना, रोज अधूरे कामों पर, तकदीर को कोसना। कोई तो ऐसा रास्ता हो, की मैं भी खुदा बन जाऊं, मेरे भी कई पुजारी हों, मैं भी ख़ास कहलाओं। खुदा बोला बन्दे से: ऐ बन्दे! तुझे मैंने ज़िन्दगी का तोहफा दिया है, ऐसे मैंने तुझे ख़ास किया है। क्यूँ रोता हैंअपनी तकदीर को, आँखें खोल कर देख, मैंने तुजे इस दुनिया मैं क्या क्या दिया है। इस दुनिया को अपने ढंग से देखने का, प्यार से इसे सवारने का, मैंने तुझे हौसला दिया है, ऐसे ऐ बन्दे! मैंने तुझे भी खुदा का दर्जा दिया है.

तेरे आने की ख़ुशी में हमने, यूँ इतने चिराग जला लिए.. दिल को चिरागों में जला कर, हमने अपने अरमान सजा दिए.   अरमानो की सेज सजी थी, हवाएँ दस्तक भी दे रही थी, हवाओं में बह कर हमने, खुद को पागल भी बना लिया. हर दस्तक पर दौड़े हम, की अब तो तुम आ ही जाओगे. पर जब दरवाजों पर खाली सर सराहट ही हुई, खुद में ही आंसुओं को छुपा लिया. कितना छुपते छुपाते हम , खाली सिलवटों पर. साँसों की भी तो उम्र होती है,  टूट तो वो भी जाती हैं, थक कर हार जाने पर.

There is a sea of questions am floating in. struggling to find out the me in me. A voice less known, is often suppressed. not allowed to decide the path that could be correct. A loud noise, often misleads.. Is it a party or a rhetoric of creeds? When everybody is yelling the same words.. Could my words still stand out? When the crowd is walking the other path, Will that hand, still hold out? The road less traveled sounds very alluring, It needs a heart which is very daring. Can I dare to leave all that I have? Can I dare to be happy with losing? Can I dare to stand up to all that I knew? Can I dare to make something new my own? Can I dare for once, to not ask questions? Can I? For once?

I wake up every day, to find a new purpose, I question everyday, to what is the rush? I am being pushed everyday, to move forward, The wind is blowing other way, to push me backward. I like the wind, I submit to it. I am a failure and they say, thats it. They say I am not a fighter, I say, I want a mind, which is lighter. I so hate to manage financials.. I so love the chime bells.. I love the nothingness.. A mind filled with blankness.. Every touch evokes so many feelings.. Eveything is old, with a new meaning. Every moment counts, When I dont count. Every moment is lived, when I am not livid. Moments are trickling by,The world is passing by. I am a spectator, watching everything go by. There is some fun in standing still.. when the world is spinning on the wheel. I stand there and see the time change. The weather changing colors, fauna changing range. New faces go old, new books being fold. Some characters give in, some are bold. On my window though, nothing changes. Once a fail

Everybody makes checklists for life..things that they want to do, places that they want to go.. I too have a checklist and Ladakh did not feature in it for good 30 years of my life. I went to Ladakh..and I came back. Almost a year down the line, I realise what the trip actually was. It was something that I could have never made a checklist for, because it demands a kind of vision I never had. The terrain is difficult for sure. The height, the roads,the weather – none of it is easy to the slightest extent. More dangerously, it is unpredictable, something that urban educated workers are not used to. We are so used to planning things on excel sheet, that it is almost difficult to understand as to why the road has broken down? How can mm of rains get towns crashing? Why are roads so difficult to make on perfectly flat plains? How come within kms, the green turns to brown? Most impotantly – To travel to Ladakh you need TIME and HEALTH. This combination, to say the least is a rare one. On

When I try to be something that I am not, I dont stand upto anybody's expectation. When I try to be something that I am, I have no expectations. Is a life like this possible? Is a mind like this possible? Can there be life in nothingness? Can there be direction in being directionless? When I go to sleep tonight, can I forget the worries of tomorrow? When I wake up in the morning, can I start something new? How oft I hear that this is what I want, How few I meet, who say this is what I can.